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[19 Jul 2004|01:21am] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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Alkaline Trio - Hell Yes |
] |
i think im going to get a new lj and add everyone again. i just dont like the whole teen angst bullshit in here. get a new one, like starting a new page in life. i happen to do that, change journals, when i feel the need to change myself. shouldve done it a long long time ago...
i was thinking of these names:
- i_eat_babies
- not_your_kid
- psychomatrix
- mrngstrchld (old aim name)
- pinkpunkcunt
- h0mlssinharvrd
- cccumpdumpster
- my_daily_headache
- jill_is_me (ooh, play on words!)
- creamycheesycheez
- sharpies4prez04
- _lollirot_
- exotic_ethic (fave DDR song of the moment)
- agnosticism (oooooooooh)
- bathingwithradios
- tastychickenbits
- dokah_doh_chili
- pen_aimed_to_kill
- the_kettle_IS_black
- plugged_and_falling
- i_hope_its_goodbye
- given_up_on
- blamed4yourproblems
- partoftheproblem
----
vote or submit your own!
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| a little update... |
[19 Jul 2004|12:46am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
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music |
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german rap...dont ask |
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public update. gasp!
havent cut in a while. yay. last cuts were from a week or two ago, stupid mistake i did. theyre healed and looking good now, since i put scar remover stuff on my arm.
ive been eating like a pig lately. indian food, tuna sandwiches, occasional stops at krispy kremes and mcdonalds...i dont care about anorexia anymore. it was a once-was thing. i do eat less (probably because of the whole not-eating scenario, it shrinks your stomach) but i eat constantly. yay to jill.
nextly...
im growing out my hair. im sick of this poser/dyke/2HXC4U shit ive been getting from everyone lately. before (with my long hair), i wasnt "punk" enough to hang out with my punkish friends. now that i got a bright-as-fuck pink mowhawk, im trying to hard to be "punk". so i say, fuck it.
im thinking up taking skateboarding again. i dropped it because of nameless ex, but i feel the need to get into a sport. im not into any of the school spirit sports (basketball, football, hockey, volleyball, etc) and i have this dying urge to get battered, bruised, and lose all of my teeth by riding on a 2x4 down a steep rocky hill. (sarcasm)
i started playing DDR (dance dance revolution, for the game-inept) and im on standard now. i still suck at it, but i aced all of light mode, and now im getting C's and B's on standard mode. (note: DDR Max for PS2)
moms been sober.
jason is still coming here. hes trying to get here before warped tour or close to august 19th, so he can go with me. i just want him here as soon as possible, but we all know that cant be done.
i talked to "him" yesterday (part of a friends-only post). called him at 3 AM and talked for a few hours. i suppose all is well with me and "him" now. SPEAK SPEAK SPEAK, youre speaking to me, SPEAK SPEAK SPEAK...SPEAK.
im learning japanese, this time im sticking to it. yay. watashi wa nihongo ga wakarimas.
thats all for now. any bitchy comments added to this...shove it up your orfice, asshats.
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| R-E-S-P-E-C-T...sing it with me! |
[21 Jun 2004|05:24am] |
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mood |
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 predatory |
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music |
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Third to None |
] |
wow. talk about love.
let me state this once and for all:
yes. emperor jason guy from warped DOES love me, and i DO love him too. lykeohmigosh!! aahhh! could it be true?
you better fucking believe it.
and as for him moving...
why does it matter to you anyways? if you were his real friend, you'd know he's been trying to leave for a while now, but he had no reason to. now he does. wow. was that so hard to comprehend?
so, yes. he is moving here. end of august.
nextly, about me and my dysfunctionalities...
yes, i've been battling anorexia since i was about 10 years old. subconsciously, i cant even eat without feeling sick. so if you think im doing it because its a trend, no. if you think im doing it for attention, no. i do it because it seems like one of the few things in life thats right. we'll continue this later...
nextly, yes, i got into a fight with my mother, as the last post says. apparently, you know nothing about me, because she is usually the one who hits me first (like she did in the aformentioned post). she is also a raging alcoholic, which may be the reason why she hits me, but i wouldn't know anything. im "2HXC4U."
and lastly, yes, i do cut. ooh, so scary, so cliche. i havent cut in a week or so, i didn't exactly count the days, but for my friend Kristy and especially for Jason, i stopped cutting. with all of this shit going on, its been a hellish fight not to, though. the post you read, my unintelligent amigos, was during a point in my life where i thought i was going to go nowhere and i was going to die lonely and anonymous. hearing that my friends don't want to talk to me and hearing "get a life" really hits you when you have no friends, nor a life. and let me be the first (and hopefully the last) to say that cutting is a personality disease. it goes from doing it for a reason to doing it because you stubbed your toe. i'm taking a HUGE step here and stopping, and hearing this bullshit from you guys makes this struggle oh-so-harder.
back to the anorexia, I've slowly been eating more and more, by force from Jason. he actually cares about my well-being (as suprising as it sounds). He's also helping me quit smoking, get me into school, and patching things with my mother. if that isnt love, i dont know what is...
so once again, thank you for reading my LJ. i really love how you complain about never getting any respect. now i know why. stay the fuck out of my LJ, stay the fuck out of my business, and leave us alone.
hugs and kisses,
-jill
PS: friends only from now until change of mind, biatches.
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| omg im so0o0o punk rawk!!11oneone |
[20 Jun 2004|01:18pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
] |
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music |
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The F-Ups - I Dont Know |
] |
What Would You Do If
-I cried:
-I asked you to help:
-I was becoming suicidal:
-I killed myself:
-I died from natural causes:
-I said I liked you:
-I kissed you:
-I started smoking:
-I stole something:
-I was hospitalized:
-I ran away from home:
-I got in a fight and you were there:
-I got dumped:
-I pissed you off:
What Do You Think About My
-Personality:
-Eyes:
-Face:
-Hair:
-Clothes:
-Voice:
-Humor:
-Choice of music:
-Mannerisms:
-Family:
Would You...?
-Be my friend:
-Tell me the truth no matter what:
-Lie to make me feel better:
-Spread rumors about me:
-Keep a secret if I told you one:
-Loan me some cash:
-Hold my hand:
-Take a bullet for me:
-Keep in touch:
-Try and solve my problems:
-Love me:
-Ditch me:
-Use me:
-Date me:
-Rape me:
-Beat me up:
please comment with the answers.
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[20 Jun 2004|05:59am] |
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mood |
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YEEEEEEEEE! |
] |
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music |
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hoobastank - the reason |
] |
Roll out down to midnight
Then roll on downtown 'til it's light
Because tomorrow we may die
Oh, but tonight we're dancing in the faint light
Don't you rob yourself of what you're feeling
Don't rob yourself of all that you could be
Roll hard 'til midnight
Roll 'til it's light
Come on now
Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
Roll the red carpet out with friends
To whom, to love and roll on
Our love is so right
I won't waste a minute here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance is all about you
To midnight love you,
Roll on and run the red lights
You know the game now is keep it tight
Oh, how I love your pretty rock-roll kisses
Come on and stay with me
Roll on and run the red lights
Come on, this love is so right
Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
To roll the red carpet out with friends
Oh, to love and roll on now
Our love is so right
I can taste
We're in it here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance
Is all about you
I'm going crazy
And it's all 'cause of you (it's all 'cause of you)
I'm going under, over you, over you...
This time is so alive
Everybody's tranced, dancing tonight
Oh so beautiful, and so strange
Oh, it was empty until you came...
Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain on your light
Our love is so right
I'll not forget how you look right now
Our love is so right
Remember let's just move together
Our love is so right
I swear it would last forever
Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain down on you
Our love is so right...
<3
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[19 Jun 2004|06:19pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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:wumpscut: - Christfuck |
] |
Fight Club!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
just when i think things are going well, i get a kick in the ass from reality.
like, literally.
i was begging my mom to use the camera, she was being a bitch, so i said 'agh, youre a fucking cunt' and she freaks out, drags me out of her room by the crotch of my pants, breaks my pants (that were already pretty broken, now theyre beyond repair) and digs her nails into my arm. i kick back because, uh, duh, it hurts, and she gets all pissy. i get up and go into my room and start crying, and SHE comes in again and starts snooping. i said "get the fuck out of my room!" and she goes "make me, drag ME out of YOUR room!". so, i attempted to do that. then she starts kicking me in the stomach, going, "how does it feel to be kicked? huh?" so i punch her right across the face as hard as i could, and she slaps me back. insert a huge fight fight. i couldnt breathe, so i stopped. and she goes, "thats right." and gets up and leaves. i catch my breath, and i try to go talk to lauren. that requires me walking past her room to get to the stairs, and she screams at me "get the fuck out of my face." i said "im not going anywhere near you, CUNT." and ran downstairs. shawn was coming out of the bathroom, so he caught me, and my mom caught up with me and shoved her finger in my face and screamed at me some more. i was clawing at shawn, crying my eyes out, just wishing shed kill me already, and shawn wouldnt let me go. finally he lets go, and i run to lauren and bawl all over her and tell her what happened, and she said i deserve it. so here i am.
if i had the fucking camera, id take pictures of the bruises and red marks.
and for once, i didnt cut because of this. mostly because i didnt want to search for a sharp object and find a spider, and mostly because my mom stole back my razor and any other sharp object she found. she lies and says she doesnt go through my shit while im sleeping, thats why im missing a whole bunch of shit.
fuck this.
i think im going to phoenix for a few months.
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[19 Jun 2004|03:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 shocked |
] |
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music |
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Hoobastank - The Reason |
] |
jason...
i just met him a few days ago...
hes not a perv, we sent pics back and forth, talked on the phone...
im so happy.
its been a while since ive been happy.
please, tell me this isnt a dream...
hes moving here.
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| eeeeeeeioiiiiiiihh |
[18 Jun 2004|03:26pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
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music |
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Powerman 5000 - Bombshell |
] |
quiznos subs, y0
read ONLY if you have 3 hours of time and are really bored
( Read more... )
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| and now for a word from our sponsors... |
[16 Jun 2004|05:53pm] |
todays message: lame-os...whats up with that?
i am so sick of these condescending elitest punk kids. lets start with warped message board...everyone on there thinks so highly of themselves because they are so humble about their punkrawkyness. fuck you and your grandma. you are egotistical and deserve to be posioned. go overdose on your sXe-ness and stop beating me up because i dont like Good Charlotte. you are the reason why so many mallpunx cut. die.
next, onto all punks...not everyone is as smart as us. we are elite, yes, but do not rub it in. we are privelidged because we arent as ignorant or as conformant as the crowd. going around and beating up the mallxcore kids is just plain old retarded. they havent heard real punk music yet, or maybe they dont like it. its none of your business. its stupid, its ignorant, and its lame. go stab yourself with a stud and leave me alone.
next, onto any assfuck...you are lame. period. you tell, no, force people to have an opinion, but once they give you an opinion, you give them the backhand. why? because you can. because you are better than them and you MUST rub it in. you ARE the greatest. you ARE better than all. we know. now shut up. i dont want to hear about your shitty band or about what concert youre going to. i hope you choke on your food. go torture someone else.
this has been a public service anouncement from jill. now go die.
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[13 Jun 2004|06:31pm] |
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mood |
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gleeful |
] |
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music |
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1208 - From Below |
] |
yay, im not tripping anymore.
ok, newest info...
IM GOING TO WARPED TOUR!
ok, just thought id let that out. im all happy, even though this years lineup isnt that spectacular. rancid and dropkicks arent going this year, but good charlotte and simple plan are taking their place...oh fucking great. but, ZOX IS PLAYING!! im gonna dry-hump eli and be like "YOU REMEMBER MEEEEE! YOOOU KNOOOOOW IT!!"
<3 ZOX. :)
moving right along, im listening to other bands on the warped tour, like the F-Ups. theyre pretty good, kinda poppy, but theyre punkish, so its good. better than the unseen, at least.
i cant wait until warped tour. i wanna get something tattooed or pierced while im there, just so i remember it forever. honestly, this might be the greatest thing thats happened to me in a while, as cliche and teenybopper as that sounds.
i love going to concerts, i love moshing and running around and being a little crackhead. but this is like gathering everyone and their brother to get drunk and mosh and be fucked up, and almost all the bands i know and love are gonna be there. i just hope itll be half as good as i imagine it.
now, how to sneak alcohol in...
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[13 Jun 2004|11:28am] |
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mood |
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high |
] |
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music |
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Sublime - What I Got |
] |
what is it with me and cough syrup? do i really have a hard time reading labels? it says 2 tablespoons, jill, not 3...
if you cant guess by now, i took too much nyquil, and now im tripping. this happens often, because i am a lousy shithead. i never do it intentionally, it just happens. last time, i took more robotussin because i felt i needed it, and my excuse this time is i was too tired to read the label.
well good job, jill, good job. its 11:30 AM, and you got about 5 hours sleep. now youll be too fucked up to even read anything.
god, i hate this, it feels like when im coming off of coricidins, a feeling i hate the most. its like...youre still trippy, but youre not. i feel cold but im hot, and im tingly everywhere. im gonna eat something, hopefully itll get rid of this.
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| red death flavor |
[13 Jun 2004|05:54am] |
fucking nyquil...
the taste never goes away, does it??
i feel so nauseous now...
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| "tell me why and how are all the stupid people breeding" |
[12 Jun 2004|04:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enraged |
] |
| [ |
music |
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AFI - Morningstar |
] |
now im just seriously pissed off...above anything.
i was pissed off when my mother didnt come home, i was pissed off when my sister was a bitch to me, i was pissed off when i had to clean up after my grandmother, i was pissed off when claire lied to me, and now im sooo much more pissed off.
heres the dilly. i started going out with this kid, daniel, on sunday or something like that. i barely know him, and i thought he was too cute, and it would be the first time i dated someone younger than me, and he likes a lot of the same shit as i do. so yeah, i went back home on wednesday because i was too sick (apparently) to stay at my fathers, and i called him today on his cell phone and he didnt answer. so when i called jeanettes house and she said he was over, i wanted to talk to him, and he said he loved me. i didnt know if he meant for real or not, so i wanted to ask him, but the phone was dying, so i told jeanette to plug in the other phone and ill call her back. i waited 10 minutes and i called back, snd johnathan picks up the phone. from what i could already tell, he was an immature jackass. he got the milk and cereal link from my profile online, and he wouldnt shut the fuck up about milk and cereal, saying it constantly, or whatever. finally i said 'look, im being serious, asshole, put daniel on the fucking phone now.' and he kept hanging up and going online. so id call back as soon as he got back online, and scream at him some more. finally he pissed me off enough that i started crying, and he started saying, "oohh, crybaby, ohh, *sniff, sniff*, milk and cereal". then he starts saying "look, im sorry, i didnt mean to." and im like "youre only apologizing because id kick your ass." and he goes "if you do, ill kick your boyfriends ass." and im like "fuck you." and he hangs up again.
im so sick of these fucking people being jackasses. i cant stand this shit anymore. fuck it.
im gonna go cut myself and hopefully die, i hate this monotony.
--5:34 AM--
"let me talk to my friends."
"look, its 5:14 AM, your friends dont want to talk to you."
"yes they do."
"no they dont, why would they hand the phone to me? get a fucking life, shut up, and fuck you. bye."
after he said that, i had a panic attack on my floor. get a life? i never even had one in the first place, look at me. im pathetic. i spend my day pranking people on aim. i have no life, i dont deserve one. im useless in life. and my own friends--my boyfriend--doesnt even want to talk to me. im nothing. im another one of those annoying druggie dropout friends everyone knows. i cant wait till my high school reunion--oh wait, thats right, im never gonna get to high school, im a middle school dropout. im just here to waste oxygen and food. im nothing.
so i cut. i grabbed razor sharp wire cutters, bent them in half, and cut my wrists over and over in the same place, and i loved every second of it. i cut a few times on the back of my wrist too, just in case i didnt die, id have some more scars. i sat there, crying on my cuts for a half hour, and i looked down and i saw i stopped bleeding. in fact, i saw i hadnt bled much at all. i saw i wasnt going to die.
well, fucking a. i hate fate. obviously im meant to be tortured and put down and hated by everyone in this world and i cant die. im here to do something, but i really dont want to live to see it. fuck it. i cant die, and i cant do anything. jason was right, if i stay on the path im on, ill have no friends, and ill end up dead with no life. well, i have no friends, and i have no life, but i cant die. and i cant change my path. how would i go about that? become a mormon? buy a puppy? you tell me. i have no idea.
so i have a boyfriend that lied to me, a friend that doesnt care about me, and more scars on my wrist and lots of my nice new pink hair pulled out and on my bedroom floor.
and im still just as pissed off.
im gonna go kill a party clown. maybe ill get the death sentance.
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| just to get things straight... |
[11 Jun 2004|03:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Lords of Acid - Out Comes The Evil |
] |
hello claire. nice to see you can read. if you can read, maybe you can follow directions.
i really dislike you trying to steal my stuff just to piss me off. in case you didnt notice, i dont come from money, unlike you. i need a job to get clothes, cds, or whatever. you have an allowance, i havent had an allowance since i was 12. you are a spoiled little rich brat. all the stuff i "let you have" are things i bought with my own money: the clothes, the beads, the string, and the stuff i stole i needed to steal because i had no money at all. im always on the street begging for money because i dont have any money in my pocket, and if i do, im planning on spending it on drugs or booze.
and another thing, i do drugs, yes, and i smoke. excuse me if that offends you, but not all of us can high off of life like you. i have scars on my wrist because life didnt give me the right high as cocaine or vodka could. im sorry if that just ticks you off, babe, but thats fucking life. if you dont want to come near me whenever i soke a cigarette, that'll only make me want to chainsmoke more. you have no idea how lucky you are to have parents that care about what you do and who youre hanging out with, my mom buys me cigarettes, my sister smokes pot with me, my dad gives me drinks, jeanettes mom gave me a joint...it seems great at first, but then when you owe soemone money or if you OD, your parents dont give two shits.
dont start thinking you can get me mad and then just tell me its a joke and itll be ok. once you get me pissed, you wont see the end of it. i paid for all that shit out of my pocket, and what i didnt buy, i worked hard to get or i had to sell my kidneys to get it. so dont give me bullshit. you suck, rot in hell, die, you straightedge fucking loser.
your ex forever,
-jill
PS: FUCK YOU.
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[10 Jun 2004|11:52pm] |
check out mah quiznos.
( Read more... )
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| this is manditory! |
[10 Jun 2004|04:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Alkaline Trio - We've Had Enough |
] |
Post a memory of me in the comments. it can be anything you want. Then post this to your journal and see what people remember of you.
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| ana today, thin tomorrow |
[10 Jun 2004|03:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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optimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Maroon 5 - Secret |
] |
ana (n.) Slang. 1. anorexic.
ive been ana for a while, i just didnt realize it. id eat something one day, and not eat for a few days. i had to think about the last time i ate when i was at jeanettes. i dont like eating in front of friends or boyfriends or anyone that isnt my mom or sister, so thats almost all the time. but today i was going through ana communities on lj, and they eat 150 or 200 calories a day, and i thought thats a good idea. its actually making me eat, but once i eat, im hungry. so far, ive had 3 cups of lo carb/lo calorie yogurt, half a coke, half a cup of lo carb chocolate milk, and im nibbling on cheez. once im done with the cheez, i would have had 410 calories, roughly, which means i went 10 calories over my limit. its a good idea, because it makes your metabolism work and burn fat. i would do sit ups, but im sick and coughing so hard my sides hurt. i should drink orange juice or take vitamin c, but i wont. i dont feel like it anyways, im not that sick...
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[10 Jun 2004|08:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
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numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
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SR-71 - Paul McCartney |
] |
last night i dreamt that i was driving and the car drove over a cliff...
i hope peter is okay...
--10:34 AM--
| jillbillisi's LJ stalker is bloodfirephynix! | | bloodfirephynix is stalking you because you are really good at bowling. They are also deluded! |
LJ Stalker FinderFrom Go-Quiz.comim gonna pull a blueicing and do an itunes random list: iTunes Random 1. Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me 2. Catch 22 - Room Without a View 3. Jack off Jill - Girlscout 4. Pikachu Rave Terror Mix 5. DJ Liquid - In The Hall of the Mountain King (Techno Remix)
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| "and when you scan the radio, i hope this song will guide you home" |
[09 Jun 2004|09:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the postal service - brand new colony |
] |
you never realize how much you miss someone until theyre gone. everyone says this all the time, but they dont really understand until they lose someone they love. ruxana was peters soulmate, like ryan is mine. if i ever lost ryan, i wouldnt be able to go on. im so worried about peter, im afraid he'll try something crazy.
people come and people go, thats how life is, and i hate saying that. the ones you love and that have left you wouldnt want to see you be in misery, they want you to enjoy life. in most spanish cultures, death is celebrated instead of mourned. egyptians would throw huge parties where they all feasted and drank and prepared the body like it was god itself. in every culture, death is a way of leaving this place and going to a better one. a place where no one is sad, where everyone gets down and gets groovy. if there is a heaven, im sure ruxana is chilling up there, in her new mercedes, still driving around with jimi in the front seat and elvis headbanging in the back.
it sucks, knowing that one day, the ones i truly love wont be here for me. one day, my mother will be gone, and as much as im a pain to her, i love her. she spoils me rotten even though we dont have much, and i love her so much for being there as often as she can. it hurts knowing that one day, ryan wont be here, god forbid. i love him more than anything, hes just...my other half. without him, id be lost. i know how peter feels...
im so depressed now. leave comments.
take care, pete.
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jillbillisi's journal